I’ve been absent for a while. I didn’t know how to put into words what life has thrown at me lately. But it’s time to write it down.
A month and a half ago the thing that I knew would happen eventually , but hoped wouldn’t for years to come, happened.
It was 6 am and I received a text. My dad told me to call home, it was about my mom. I had gotten these kinds of text before when my mom had to go into the hospital, but somehow I knew it was different this time. I called and my dad was crying.”This is it.” he said. The paramedics were there and they couldn’t find a pulse. My mom had passed away. I couldn’t believe it. It was 3 days before Christmas. I was going to be coming home tomorrow after work to see my parents. This couldn’t be real. I was just dreaming, right? It was so unexpected. I was joking around her with her just 10 hours ago on Facebook. How can she be gone?
She had been sick for years with kidney failure and more recently heart and lung problems. But she had been doing well. It had been awhile since she’d been in the hospital. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I want to be able to say goodbye and I love you one more time. I’m struggling everyday to put into words what I feel. How do you explain heart-break? How do you tell people what you need when you can’t name it yourself?
I think the hardest part has been when I think about all the things that will be different now. When I think about things that might be in my future that should be joyous occasions, my heart breaks because she won’t be there to share it. All of these future happy occasions will also be times of sorrow. When I think about the possibility of marriage, I realize she won’t be able to help me pick out my dress like she always wanted to. She was anxious for grand children and now she will never be able to hold her first grand baby. It’s not just the loss of her presence now that I mourn, but her presence in the future at important life events.
It reminds me of the words of an Avril Lavigne song, one that I feel says all that I’ve been feeling much more succinctly than I ever could.
“The day you slipped away, was the day I found it won’t be the same.”
I miss you mom. But I have hope that I will one day see you again.