The past has a way of butting in where it is not welcome.It has a knack for reminding us of the mistakes we made and the things we’ve lost. Lately, I’ve been reminded of the way I handled myself as I was in the process of converting, and I must admit that it was often not very pretty. There are parts of that process that I’m not proud of in the least. With some people I acted out of a desire to prove that I was right and they were wrong. It was all about my pride rather than sharing the Truth in love. With others I acted out of fear, pulling away because I couldn’t bear to disappoint them with my decision. But the result was the same, friendships weakened. If I could take some of it back, I would. But we can’t redo the past. And I’m trying to figure out what things I can fix in the present and what things I just need to move on from.
I’ve been reminded of things that I had to let go, no matter how painful it would be. I still find myself desperately wishing I could have found a way to keep those things without denying what God was doing in my heart. But again, the past cannot be changed and one thing I know, I would never go back and change my decision to convert. Never. It proved to be the best decision I’ve ever made and I’ve never felt like my relationship with Christ has been stronger than it is now.
It seems like these reminders get stronger in the summer. That’s when I made the decision to convert and things started to unravel. And something about this season causes all the emotions I experienced to come flooding back. But I know that by the grace of God I will get through it and each time it makes me a little stronger. I made mistakes and let things go, but the Lord is merciful and forgives mistakes and I gained so much more in the fullness of Truth than I lost.
All is well, or will be.
The Heart of St. Gianna 