I always thought that I wanted to get married someday. After the SEEK conference and all the talks about relationships and marriage, that desired was tempered a little, brought under control. I was learning to be patient and to seriously consider that maybe I’m called to something else. Then this weekend I went wedding dress shopping with my best friend and the desire for marriage reared its head again. But as I sat there among the beautiful dresses, veils, and jewelry, I realized something about my desire. I always thought it was for marriage, but when I dreamed of marriage, I always imagined the wedding day. I pictured my dress and my friends and family celebrating with me at an elaborate party. I very rarely thought about what it takes to make a marriage work. I very rarely thought about how there would be days when it is really, really hard. And I realized that it might not be marriage so much that I desire. I think it is the wedding. I think I want to dress up and feel like a princess. I think I want that big day. Many of my friends have wedding pinterest boards and I was so proud of myself for not making one of my own. But really, I have one in my head. The only difference is that my friends can’t see it.
But I’m not sure about the rest of marriage. Do I really want the bad times along with the good? Do I really want the fights? Am I willing to commit myself to another human who will by their nature let me down at times? Maybe. But I don’t know. I realize now that I am nowhere near ready to think about marriage and so I’m going to stop dreaming. I’m going to focus on where God has me now and just see where he takes me. Maybe someday I’ll meet a guy that makes me think about marriage beyond the wedding day, and even make me excited for the sometimes difficult adventure, ups and downs included. But until then, I need to stop fantasizing about that “perfect” day because marriage is so much more than that.