This Brokenness Inside

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It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep. If I had a car, I would be heading out to adoration right now. But I don’t. So I’ll blog instead.

Today, I’ve felt this huge weight on my heart. I’m broken. And I can’t put my finger on one thing that would fix it. Too many things are compounded to make it an easy fix.

Part of it is things with my family. I went home this past weekend for an early Christmas. I was so excited to see my older brother again and to have us all together. It doesn’t happen often. I always get excited when I know we’ll all be home at the same time. But then the day arrives when we’re all together and I feel such a disconnect. I don’t feel like I really know any of my family members. I get along with all of them fairly well, better than they get along with each other, but I don’t really know them. And I feel like none of us try very hard to fix that. Or maybe we just don’t realize there’s a problem. I didn’t really until this week. But I see all of my friends with their super close families who do all kinds of fun things together and who just enjoy each others company. I know we can’t do much outside of the home now that my mom is sick, but we don’t enjoy each other with activities in the home either. We spend a few hours together (which usually involve some sort of argument) and then we all head to different rooms or dink around on our computers. Thinking about it makes me sad. I try not to compare us to other families because I know that every family has their own issues, but I wish we were closer to each other. I wish we were better at appreciating each other in spite of our many differences.

Part of my brokenness is from myself. I have this weird inability to be completely open with others. Even when I know I’m in a safe space with people who won’t judge me or make fun of me, I struggle to be open. Even when others are sharing things, I find myself unable to dig deep. And sometimes it makes me feel alone, because I have few close relationships. And I know it’s not because of lack of effort from other people. They ask me how I’m doing or what they can pray for and I say I’m good or that I can’t think of anything, even if I’m not good and I have a whole laundry list of things they could pray for. The Lord didn’t make us to live our lives alone, but I find myself afraid or something of getting close and as a result, sometimes I feel alone. But I know I’m not. I know that I have people who will be there for me if I ever choose to be more open and more importantly, I have a King who knows me better than I know myself. A King who will always be there for me. It’s impossible to be alone in this world with a savior like Jesus.

And part of my brokenness is because of the brokenness of the world. I read about the massacre in Connecticut, about the funerals of those innocent little children and my heart breaks. My mind can’t wrap itself around the idea of someone doing such a thing. I find it hard at times to find hope when things like this happen. But I just have to look at stories like those of the staff who laid down their lives in an effort to protect the children in their care. The stories of people who are reaching out to those grieving. The stories of those who have been through other shootings and have found the strength and grace to forgive the attackers. There is good in the world, we will see it when stop dwelling on the bad.

I know that there is a God with a plan. I know that it is hard to see when we live in a fallen world, but even in the brokenness there is a light. We just have to fix our eyes upon it. We have to cling to our hope of a perfect heaven even in the face of immense pain and suffering. In the end, it will all be worth it. In the end there will be unending joy with our Lord Jesus Christ.

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3 thoughts on “This Brokenness Inside

  1. I’m so sorry you are feeling a bit blue on such a happy week. I could go on about how our world has allowed Christmas to become about worldly things than about the love God has for us.

    Take small steps to open up- it’s not only something that you will find will bring you great joy, but it’s really something that the Lord wants for you. We learn from 1 John 4:

    We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us.
    God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him.
    In this is love brought to perfection among us, that we have confidence on the day of judgment because as he is, so are we in this world.
    There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love.
    We love because he first loved us.
    If anyone says, “I love God,” but hates his brother, he is a liar; for whoever does not love a brother whom he has seen cannot love God* whom he has not seen.
    This is the commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.

    You are a wonderful person, and have great gifts to share- your growing faith, love of God, and the skills you are learning to become a person of healing and compassion. Be ready to share those gifts freely, and you will receive an immeasurable amount of grace back 🙂

  2. Ohh, Vivien. I wish you lived close because I’d come kidnap you and bring you back to my apartment for some cozy hot chocolate and girl talk. It doesn’t erase the brokenness but it can soothe it. 🙂 The holidays can be so beautiful and so hard at the same time. I love the spiritual aspect of it, of course, but sometimes our world/the media/etc. makes us feel like our holiday should be ‘perfect’ when the first Christmas was NOTHING like perfect. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you be more open and to love your family even with their imperfections…but in the meantime, hang in there. You are beautiful. You are loved. And I’m thinking of you and praying, sister.

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